Finding Friends as an Adult: Why It’s Hard but Still Worth It

Remember playing on the playground during recess as a kid? When another kid would wander up to you and proudly proclaim that they also have a Care Bear shirt? Or maybe you both noticed you were playing with the same toy dinosaur and excitedly started creating paths in the sand for your twin toys. And then bam! Just like that, you're the best of friends. 

Don't you wish it was that easy today, as an adult? Just wander up to someone, strike up a conversation, and suddenly you have a vacation planned together? If only! 

Friendship as an adult is difficult. It requires patience, vulnerability, effort, and frankly, time, something that is sometimes hard to find. It can be awkward and stressful. But despite all the difficulties of adult friendships that childhood friendships never had, this doesn't mean adult relationships can't be as meaningful or as joyful. 

Why is It So Hard to Make Friends as an Adult?

As kids, we made connections over the simplest things. Shared favorite colors, foods or even playground equipment were enough to create a bond. And that's just it. As kids, things (for some of us) were simpler. We hadn't yet formed opinions about politics, education, families, or beliefs. Yet, as we age and each lives our own lives, our personalities, experiences, and values change and grow more diverse. 

We also grow outside the bubbles of school and childhood neighborhoods that sometimes keep us close to others. As we graduate or move out of the house, to find our own jobs and create our own lives, we no longer have the convenience of physically being in the same location and sharing the same experience as our peers. And that's hard. 

To throw a third obstacle into the mix, some of us no longer have the same amount of time to invest in maintaining friendships. We juggle work, take care of children, maintain households, and otherwise try to do "all the things." 

So how can we make lasting friendships in our 30s and 40s? How, as complicated, unique, and sometimes messy individuals, can we find and make connections that bring us happiness?

Not sure if your worry is just worry?

The Great Balancing Act of Adult Friendships

As an adult, we look for different things in another person to form friendships. We look for shared politics, beliefs, family values, experiences, and hobbies. In a perfect world, we would form friendships with people who share all the same views and preferences and, ideally, who live close by. Sometimes we do find unicorn friends, that person who is in the same life stage, who has the same likes and dislikes, and who lives in the same neighborhood. But that's why we call them unicorn friendships; they're rare. 

Instead, we have to try a little harder, open up a little more and be a little more accepting. 

Sharing is Caring

First, as adults seeking friendships, we have to be a little vulnerable. We have to make that leap and divulge information that might make you feel a little exposed. To create friendships that are deeper than surface level, you have to peel back those layers that we sometimes put up. We have to express what is important to us. This might be things like how we parent, what we believe in after death, past relationships, family dynamics, and how we feel about current events. 

Of course, there's a time and place for sharing these values, and you may even feel like these beliefs will be used against you. Know that it's a give-and-take situation. In order to find those that you may connect with most, you have to be willing to share a little more about what makes you you. We have to put ourselves in a space where we ask, "Are you willing to accept me as I am?"

Embrace Differences

As we age, we change, and unless we find that unicorn friend, there are bound to be differences between us and our friends. And that's ok. We have to prioritize what's most important to us in friendships and what we're ok with "letting slide." For example, maybe you're fine with having different spiritual beliefs, but something feels off to you if a potential friend doesn't have or wants kids when you do. 

Having differences also leaves opportunities for discovering new hobbies or interests. It also opens the door to open, honest (and hopefully civil) conversations. 

Make the Time

Unlike other relationships, adult friendships require a little more effort and time. And time, as we all know, is limited. That's why it's important to remember that your friends are in the same boat. If they don't text or return a call to you right away, try not to immediately worry or stress about the integrity of the friendship. They simply may not be at a time in their lives where they can prioritize getting back to friends ASAP.

Likewise, know that if you struggle to communicate with friends, try to schedule it. Set time aside to send a text, make a short visit, or even, heaven forbid, give a friend a call once a week. Adult friendships, as the saying goes, are like plants. If we tend to them on a consistent basis, they thrive. If we neglect them, they wither. (Although, as I'd like to point out, some friendships are like succulents. They can go for stretches at a time without any "tending" and still be healthy!)

The Importance of Adult Friendships

While it's certainly not as easy as when we were kids, adult friendships can be just as rewarding and nurturing. Having strong friendships in our 30s, 40s, and beyond helps ground us; these friendships provide a support system outside of our immediate families, which can be enlightening and crucial during difficult times. They give us someone to spend time with, to engage in self-care together, and to celebrate and lament life's highs and lows with. Having people to talk to, lean on, and get advice from can make a significant difference in our lives.

So whether you're searching for new friends or are stressing about maintaining your old ones, take this as a sign that it's normal. And while it's normal to have a difficult time searching for meaningful relationships when you're older, it's not impossible. So get out there and be just a little bit vulnerable. 

Take care,

Cheryl D. Perry MA LCMHCA NCC

I would like to be clear that this blog post is not intended to substitute for professional counseling. If you are in need of support, please consider speaking to a professional counselor.