Who Am I, Really? Reclaiming Your Identity Through Values and Beliefs

“I just want to know who I really am.”

This is one of the most common and vulnerable statements I hear from adults in therapy. And often, it’s whispered between tears or after a long pause, when someone has spent years living according to expectations, roles, or inherited beliefs without stopping to ask: Is this actually me?

Many of us reach adulthood still carrying the rules and roles we were handed growing up. You might be someone’s parent, partner, sibling, or coworker. But when those titles are stripped away, even just for a moment, you may wonder: Who am I beyond all this? What do I actually believe in? What do I value?

If you’re asking yourself these questions as an adult, first of all, welcome. You're not lost, broken, or behind. You're right on time. And asking these questions is the first step toward building a brave, authentic life.

You’re Allowed to Re-evaluate What You Were Taught

As children, we absorb a lot of our values and beliefs without question. This is natural; young brains learn by modeling, by repetition, by reward. Maybe you were raised to believe that hard work always leads to success, that showing emotions is weak, or that loyalty to family should come before all else. Maybe you grew up in a deeply religious, conservative, or high-achieving household. Maybe love was conditional, and you learned to keep parts of yourself hidden to be accepted.

But here’s the thing: you’re an adult now. You have the right to sift through what you’ve been given and ask:

• Is this value or belief working for me?

• Do I still (or did I ever) believe this to be true?

• How does this belief make me feel about myself or others?

• Is this value helping me live a life I’m proud of?

This is one of the most empowering parts of adulthood: realizing you get to say yay or nay to the ideas you inherited. You are not required to live out someone else’s script.

Values Are the Compass for Who You Truly Are

Values aren’t just abstract concepts. They’re the compass that helps you make decisions, connect with others, and create meaning. When you understand your own values (what truly matters to you) you can begin to live in alignment with your authentic self.

That might mean embracing creativity over perfection, choosing emotional safety over obligation, or prioritizing kindness even when it’s not the easiest option.

Let me offer a small personal example. As a child, I adored cats. But we never had cats in our house growing up. It just wasn’t a “cat house.” Still, the moment I became an adult with my own space, I adopted one. I even joke that my house is full of empty Amazon boxes just for my cat.

Why does this matter? Because for me, loving and caring for animals is a value. It brings me joy. It feels like home. I claimed something for myself that didn’t fit the mold I was given. And in doing so, I took one step closer to living as me.

So, How Do You Begin to Explore Your Values?

This process doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s rarely linear. It takes reflection, experimentation, and sometimes even grief; the grief of letting go of parts of your past that no longer serve you. But it’s also deeply rewarding. Here’s how to begin:

Ready to Discover YOUR Values & Beliefs?

1. Look at Your Emotional Reactions

When do you feel most alive, grounded, or at peace? When do you feel most angry, frustrated, or uncomfortable? Strong emotional reactions often point to your values either being honored or violated.

2. Write About What You Want to Be Known For

If someone were to describe you in three words, what would you want them to be? Not what they are now, but what you hope they’d be. This can reveal the values you’re yearning to live by.

3. Ask Yourself “Why?” Again and Again

When you catch yourself thinking “I should do this” or “This is just how things are,” ask yourself: Why? Where did that belief come from? Do I agree with it now?

4. Explore What Safety, Love, and Success Mean to You

We’re often taught narrow definitions of these experiences. But what does your version of safety look like? What does love feel like when it’s real and safe? What does success look like when you define it on your own terms?

5. Try a Values List or Exercise

Sometimes a structured tool can help. Look through a list of common values, like compassion, independence, honesty, or connection, and notice which ones resonate with you, even if they surprise you. You can circle, rank, or journal about them. (In fact, you can find worksheets for discovering and learning about values more here.)

Embracing Who You Are Now

It’s okay if your values don’t match your family’s. It’s okay if your beliefs shift over time. That’s part of being human. What matters is that you begin to build a life based on your truth, not someone else’s.

Because when you live from your values, your relationships become more authentic. Your choices feel more aligned. You begin to trust yourself more deeply. And you can finally say:

“This is who I am. This is what I believe in. This is what makes me feel safe and whole.”

And that clarity? It’s not just refreshing, it’s life-changing.

Exploring Your Values and Personal Beliefs Through Therapy in North and South Carolina 

Therapy is a safe and supportive space to do just that. You don’t have to untangle all of this alone. If you’re a resident of North Carolina or South Carolina, don’t hesitate to reach out for a complimentary 30-minute consultation. I’m here for you when you’re ready.

I would like to be clear that this blog post is not intended to substitute for professional counseling. If you are in need of support, please consider speaking to a professional counselor.

Cheryl D. Perry MA, LCMHC, LPC, NCC