holiday season has a way of arriving with a very specific kind of pressure. That is, the pressure to feel something you may not actually feel. Grateful. Joyful. Surrounded by warmth and people who love you. That “Hallmark” experience. And if your reality looks different from that picture, and that gap between what the holidays are "supposed" to be and what they actually are is wide, you may feel some very hard emotions.
I hear it from clients this time of year. "I don't have my parents anymore." "My family is scattered! Charlotte, Charleston, Miami–everyone is hours away and nobody can make it work." "I'll be alone." "I don't have close friends here—I moved to Raleigh for work and I just don't have my people." Each situation may be different, but everyone is feeling the same thing: grief.
Grief & the Holidays
When most of us think of grief, we think of death. But grief, unfortunately, permeates all moments in life. We feel grief whenever we experience loss and that includes the loss of an ideal, like the loss of the holiday you always imagined having. The loss of traditions. The loss of a parent, a relationship, a version of your family that used to exist but doesn't anymore. The loss of proximity to the people you love, even if they're still very much alive and just a long drive away.
That grief you feel is very real and doesn’t need to be justified or explained. You are allowed to mourn a Thanksgiving table that is smaller. You are allowed to feel the absence of a parent who is no longer there to spend the holiday with you. You are allowed to feel sad about spending the holidays alone.
The Pull Toward Isolation
During this time of year, it’s easy to pull back, go quiet, turn down invitations, and spend more time alone than is actually good for us. It's understandable. When the world seems to be celebrating loudly, and you don't feel like celebrating, retreating feels safer than showing up and pretending.
But isolation, especially during the holidays, tends to make the grief heavier. While there may be relief at first, the loneliness can grow when you try to avoid it. And the longer we stay inside that pain without recognizing it, the bigger it tends to grow.
Ways to Process Holiday Grief (Rather Than Avoid It)
As much as we may want to just “skip” grief, we really can’t. There are ways, however, to move through it, so that we can better understand our feelings and honor them.
Name what you're actually grieving. Is it a person? A tradition? A version of your family that has changed? Getting specific about the loss can help you stop feeling like something is just vaguely wrong, and start understanding what you're actually carrying.
Let yourself feel it without putting a deadline on it. You don’t (and you won’t) just be “over it” when the holidays end. Grief doesn't follow the retail calendar. You’re allowed to feel sad even when society says you shouldn’t.
Create something small that's yours. If old traditions hurt this year, you're allowed to start a new one. A meal you cook for yourself. A drive to see the lights somewhere in Charlotte or Savannah or along the Florida coast. A movie marathon. Something that makes the day feel intentional rather than just survived.
Reach toward connection, even imperfect connection. A video call with family far away. A text to a friend you've been meaning to reach out to. Volunteering at a local shelter or food bank in the Carolinas or Florida. Being around people who are also navigating a hard season can be quietly powerful.
Dreading the holidays? Sometimes looking inward can help.
Hope for the Holidays
Sometimes the holidays are hard. If that's where you are, I'm not going to tell you to look on the bright side. I'm going to tell you that what you're feeling makes sense, and that you deserve to have someone sit with you in it rather than rush you past it.
What I will say is this: this season is not the whole story. The loneliness you feel during this time of year does not define what your life will look like next year, or five years from now. Families don’t have to be blood and connections form in the most unlikely places. That ache in your heart is valid, but it doesn’t have to feel alone.
If the holidays are bringing up more grief, stress, or loneliness than you know how to hold on your own, please reach out for a complimentary 30 minute consultation. This is exactly the kind of season when having support matters most. I offer telehealth sessions for clients in North Carolina, South Carolina, and Florida, which means help is available wherever you are this holiday season.
I would like to be clear that this blog post is not intended to substitute for professional counseling. If you are in need of support, please consider speaking to a professional counselor.
Cheryl D. Perry MA LCMHC LPC NCC
